funny quotes

funny quotes

“People say nothing is not possiblehowever I do nothing daily.”




“Better to stay silent and be thought a fool than to talk out and take away all doubt.”– President Lincoln




“If I were two-faced, would I be sporting this one?”– President Lincoln


“The smartest thing regarding the long run is that it comes in the future at a time.”– President Lincoln


“The solely mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”– Al McGuire


“Light travels quicker than sound. this can be why some individuals seem bright till you hear them speak.”– Alan Dundes


“Nobody realizes that some individuals expend tremendous energy simply to be traditional.”– writer


“Men marry ladies with the hope they’ll ne’er amendmentladies marry men with the hope they’ll amendment. Invariably they’re each discomfited.”– physicist


“The distinction between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”– physicist


“All the items i actually prefer to do square measure either immoral, illegal or finished.”– Woollcott


“War is God’s manner of teaching Americans geographics.”– Ambrose Bierce


“It would be nice to pay billions on faculties and roads, however immediately that money is urgently required for political ads.”– Andy Borowitz


“The average dog may be a nicer person than the common person.”– Andy Rooney


“At each party there square measure 2 varieties of individuals – WHO|those that|people who} need to travel home and people who don’t. the difficulty is, they’re sometimes married to every alternative.”– Ann Landers
“If you wish your youngsters to concentratestrive talking softly to somebody else.”– Ann Landers


“Doctors square measure simply an equivalent as lawyers; the sole distinction is that lawyers simply rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.”– Anton Pavlovich Chekhov


“I don’t believe astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”– Arthur C. Clarke


“My opinions might have modifiedhowever not the actual fact that I’m right.”– Ashleigh good


“To make certain of striking the target, shoot 1st, and decision no matter you hit the target.”– Ashleigh good


“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, rush away.”– printer


“Wine is constant proof that God loves North American nation and likes to see North American nation happy.”– printer


“Have you noticed that each one the individuals in favor of contraception square measure already born?”– comedian


“Be UN agency you’re and say what you are feelingas a result of WHO|those that|people who} mind don’t matter and people who matter don’t mind.”– Bernard Mannes Baruch


“Most individuals would sooner die than think; indeed, they do so.”– Earl Russell


“The world is packed with sorcerous things with patience anticipating our wits to grow chiseler.”– Earl Russell
“Facebook simply looks like a tangle, in my day seeing footage of peoples vacations was thought of a penalty.”– Betty White


“Everything that wont to be a sin is currently a sickness.”– Bill Maher


“If there’s something the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist UN agency doesn’t adapt to the prevailing customary of nonconformity.”– Bill vocalist


“Money won’t purchase happiness, however it’ll pay the salaries of an oversized staff to check the matter.”– Bill vocalist


“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere within the universe is that it’s ne’er tried to contact North American nation.”– Bill Watterson


“Before you choose a person, walk a mile in his shoes. subsequently UN agency cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!”– Billy tennis player


“I’ve invariably needed to travel to Swiss Confederation to ascertain what the military will with those wee red knives.”– Billy tennis player


“Going to church doesn’t cause you to a Christian any furthery extent further} than attending to a garage causes you to an automobile.”– Billy Sunday


“If you’re attending to tell individuals the reality, be funny or they’ll kill you.”– Billy Wilder


“A bank may be a place that may lend you cash if you’ll be able to prove that you just don’t would like it.”– Bob Hope


“Inside American state there’s a skinny person troubled to induce out, however I will sometimes sedate him with four or 5 cupcakes.”– Bob Thaves


“We ne’er extremely get olderwe tend to solely find out how to act publically.”– Bryan White


“As a baby my family’s menu consisted of 2 choices: take it or leave it.”– crony Hackett


“A day while not laughter may be a day wasted.”– comedian


“Political correctness is tyranny with manners.”– Charlton Heston


“High heels were fabricated by a girl UN agency had been kissed on the forehead.”– patron saint Morley


“If you like one thing set it free, however don’t be shocked if it comes back with herpes.”– Chuck Palahniuk


“When i used to be a boy i used to be told that anybody may become President. I’m starting to believe it.”– lawyer


“A factor urged American state to shop for a stock that will triple its worth each year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even purchase inexperienced bananas.’”– Claude Pepper


“They say marriages square measure created in Heaven. however thus is thunder and lightning.”– Clint Eastwood


“I’m too drunk to style this chicken.”– commissioned military officer Sanders


“A study within the Washington Post says that ladies have higher verbal skills than men. I simply need to mention to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’”– Conan O’Brien


“Starbucks says they’re attending to begin golf stroke spiritual quotes on cups. The terribly 1st one can say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’”– Conan O’Brien


“Laughing at our mistakes will lengthen our own life. happy at somebody else’s will shorten it.”– Cullen Hightower


“If you can’t live while not American state, why aren’t you dead already?”– Cynthia Heimel


“If you’re thinking that you’re too little to form a distinctionstrive sleeping with a dipterous insect.”– Dalai Lama


“Remember, these days is that the tomorrow you disquieted regarding yesterday.”– Carnegie


“Education is learning what you didn’t even grasp you didn’t grasp.”– Daniel J. Boorstin


“It may be a observation that your body won’t absorb steroid alcohol if you are taking it from another person’s plate.”– Dave Barry


“Never beneath any circumstances take a sleeping capsule and a laxative on an equivalent night.”– Dave Barry


“I wont to jog however the ice cubes unbroken breach of my glass.”– David Lee author


“Everyone includes a purpose in life. maybe yours is looking at tv.”– David athlete


“The photographic camera may be a nice invention as a result of it permits North American nation to think back. Instantly.”– Demetri Martin


“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to make certainhowever it makes things grow quicker within the future.”– Denis Waitley


“Biologically speaking, if one thing bites you it’s additional probably to be feminine.”– Desmond Morris


“As long as individuals can settle for crap, it’ll be financially profitable to dispense it.”– Dick Cavett


“A sceptic may be a one who has had to concentrate to too several optimists.”– Don Marquis


“The cure for dissatisfaction is curiosity. there’s no cure for curiosity.”– Parker


“Never doubt the bravery of the French. They were those UN agency discovered that snails square measure edible.”– Doug Larson


“To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.”– Doug Larson


“Human beings, UN agency square measure virtually distinctive in having the flexibility to be told from the expertise of others, also are outstanding for his or her apparent disinclination to try to to thus.”– politician Adams


“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t grasp the solution.”– politician Adams


“Don’t cry as a result of it’s over. Smile as a result of it happened.”– Dr. Seuss


“I was born to form mistakes, to not pretend perfection.”– Drake


“An alcoholic is somebody you are doingn’t like UN agency drinks the maximum amount as you do.”– Dylan Thomas


“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few individuals have an interest and also the frog dies of it.”– E. B. White


“If you’re thinking that no one cares if you’re alive, strive missing a few of automobile payments.”– peer Wilson


“The duty of a nationalist is to shield his country from its government.”– Edward Abbey


“Do not take life too seriously. you may ne’er get out of it alive.”– Elbert Hubbard


“A lady is sort of a tea bag – you can’t tell however robust she is till you set her in predicament.”– Anna Eleanor Roosevelt


“My granny started walking 5 miles every day once she was sixty. She’s 97 currentlyand that we don’t grasp wherever the hell she is.”– Ellen DeGeneres


“A pc once beat American state at chess, however it absolutely was no match on behalf of me at kick boxing.”– Emo Philips


“How many folks here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”– Emo Philips


“I asked God for a motorbikehowever i do know God doesn’t work that mannerthus I scarf a motorbike and asked for forgiveness.”– Emo Philips


“Leave one thing {for somebody|for somebody} however dont leave someone for one thing.”– Enid Blyton


“Never attend a doctor whose workplace plants have died.”– Erma Bombeck


“Never have additional youngsters than you’ve got automobile windows.”– Erma Bombeck


“I drink to form others additional fascinating.”– Hemingway


“Great art is that the contempt of an excellent man for little art.”– F. Scott Fitzgerald


“You’re solely nearly as good as your last haircut.”– Fran Lebowitz


“Good recommendation are a few things a person offers once he’s too recent to line a nasty example.”– Francois American state La Rochefoucauld


“Marriage is that the solely war during which you be intimate the enemy.”– Francois American state La Rochefoucauld


“I will’t perceive why an individual can take a year to put in writing a completely unique once he can simply purchase one for a number of greenbacks.”– Fred Allen


“The 1st time I herb within the church choir; 2 hundred individuals modified their faith.”– Fred Allen


“Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all or any others as a result of you were born in it.”– Saint George Bernard Shaw


“We learn from expertise that men ne’er learn something from expertise.”– Saint George Bernard Shaw


“Happiness has an oversized, loving, caring, closely knit family in another town.”– vaudevillian


“If you reside to be 100, you’ve got it createdonly a few individuals die past that age.”– vaudevillian


“You grasp you’re obtaining recent once you patronize tie your shoelaces and surprise what else you may do whereas you’re down there.”– vaudevillian


“Have you ever noticed that associateybody driving slower than you is an retard, and anyone going quicker than you may be a maniac?”– Saint George Carlin


“I was puzzling over however individuals appear to scan the Bible an entire ton additional as they get older; then it dawned on American state – they’re cramming for his or her final examination.”– Saint George Carlin


“I’m in formspherical may be a form.”– Saint George Carlin


“If you are attempting to fail, and succeed, that have you ever done?”– Saint George Carlin


“May the forces of evil become confused on the thanks to your house.”– Saint George Carlin


“Most individuals work simply arduous enough to not get unemployed and obtain paid simply enough cash to not quit.”– Saint George Carlin


“One spirits2 spirits3 spirits, floor.”– Saint George Carlin


“To those of you UN agency received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, will be president of the u. s..”– Saint George W. Bush


“Whoever aforementioned cash can’t purchase happiness didn’t grasp wherever to buy.”– writer


“A Martes pennanti crossing your path signifies that the animal goes somewhere.”– Marx Marx


“Behind each thriving man may be a lady, behind her is his adult female.”– Marx Marx


“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they ne’er meet!”– Marx Marx


“I refuse to hitch any club that will have American state as a member.”– Marx Marx


“I was married by a choose. I ought to have asked for a jury.”– Marx Marx


“If you discover it arduous to taunt yourself, i’d be happy to try to to it for you.”– Marx Marx


“Marriage is that the chief reason for divorce.”– Marx Marx


“A choose may be a student UN agency marks his own examination papers.”– H. L. Mencken


“The 2 most typical parts within the universe square measure gas and stupidity.”– Harlan writer


“It’s only if you verify associate hymenopteron through a light microscope on a sunny day that you just understand however typically they burst into flames.”– Harry Hill


“It’s a recession once your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression once you lose yours.”– Harry S. Truman


“Before weddinga person declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; when wedding, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to speak to you.”– Helen Rowland


“Life begins at forty – however thus do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty visual modalityand also the tendency to inform a story to an equivalent person, 3 or fourfold.”– Helen Rowland


“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever would like, if I die by four o’clock.”– Henny Youngman


“If you’re attending to do one thing tonight that you’ll be pitying tomorrow morning, sleep late.”– Henny Youngman


“All men square measure equal before fish.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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